After starting a webpage and writing article after article about how much anime sucks and how anime ruined Adult Swim and how much Adult Swim ruled before it had anime, Adult Swim finally got rid of anime from its Sunday schedule. Much to my surprise, AS fucking sucks now more than ever. Sure there's no anime, but there's no Space Ghost Coast to Coast at all, and Futurama and two Aqua Teens are on every goddamn day of the week. Plus, Adult Swim seemed to put on every random-ass non-Space Ghost show they could find, like The Ripping Friends, The Oblongs, and fucking Popeye* of all things. And perhaps most offensively, new episodes of Harvey Birdman are being produced. How can Adult Swim suck this much without anime?
And thus I was left with an epiphany: Perhaps anime maybe isn't the worst fucking thing ever. Maybe Cartoon Network's shittiness comes not from anime, but from within. I mean, when I think about it, is Trigun any worse than say, Grim and Evil? I don't know because both of those shows blow too hard for me to care about making a distinction between them. And when I put anime vs. non-anime into perspective with Cartoon Network history, it's pretty clear that Cartoon Cartoon Fridays contributed far more to turning Cartoon Network into the unwatchable shitstain that it is now than Toonami ever did. Sure Toonami may have unleashed retarded Dragon Ball fans to the world, but at least it's not hosted by a live-action version of South Park's Jimmy and a California Raisin. Wait a minute, that would rule. I guess a better metaphor for the CCF hosts would be... the Jason Alexander-voiced gargoyle from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame and the lesser-known Down Syndrome-stricken third Williams sister.
Is it possible that instead of blaming anime for Cartoon Network sucking, I should have blamed Cartoon Network itself? Perhaps. But when I think about the fact that Adult Swim plays the Animatrix while Space Ghost fans have only a DVD of 18 non-consecutive edited episodes, I can't help but become blinded with intense anger. Also, whether or not it sucks, I love hating anime more than life itself. Very few things in life are quite as pleasing to me as a retarded anime fan trying to refute one of my "Anime Fans are Nerdy Retarded Losers" articles while displaying to a T every single stereotype I attributed to them. I guess what I really learned from all this is: While anime may not suck too much more than the rest of Cartoon Network's programming, it's way more fun to hate. Thank you and goodnight.