Adult Swim Action n' Me

Loyal readers to this site (who would be Doug, maybe Robo, and probably Tailz and Esuohlim) know my opinion of anime on Adult Swim. My opinion is that it sucks balls. I even wrote an article about anime on Adult Swim that you should go read immediately if you havenít already. Now you may not know this but, I had barely watched any anime on Adult Swim before I wrote that. But a little thing like ďnever having seen itĒ didnít stop me from hating anime on Adult Swim and, by extension, all anime. But one day I had a brilliant idea, an idea to get inside the enemy, I would for the first time ever watch a full night of Adult Swim Action. Actually I watched the first ever Adult Swim Action when it was on Saturdays but I didnít really pay attention, plus AS has gotten a whole bunch (way too many) of new animes since then, so I decided to give all of these shows a chance, see what they were really like. And, for the purposes of hilarity, write a review of it on my webpage.

Kikaider- I started out my Night of a Thousand Animes with the show Kikaider. Before it aired, I did a Google search on Kikaider and found a page about some old Japanese live-action show like Big Bad Beetleborgs or VR Troopers. It ended up being an ani-gay and I got sad. The first thing I noticed is that the animation is just a smidge below Speed Racer. The second thing I notice is that itís boring and it sucks. The third thing I notice is that if this shit wasnít on Adult Swim, thereís no way I would even consider watching it. Thereís a guy who I assume is the main character, he looks exactly like the main character of Digimon. I assume that he is ďKikaiderĒ. The fourth thing I notice is that I donít really know whatís going on at all. Anyway, Kikaider is sitting around and he gets taken in by some woman. That woman is in love by some other guy. Also, all the while there are these kids riding around the city in a taxi and for one scene they show this guy who looks like a Hitler monkey and for some reason it really pissed me off. Really the characters on this show look like shit. The show tries to be serious and dramatic but the characters look like they came out of Hello Kitty or something. Itís distracting as hell. Then Kikaider finds the guy that the chick is in love with, but heís in a ďbad crowdĒ now, so they fight a robot cat and WTF? Kikaider turns into a goddamn Power Ranger. And I realize that I really have no idea what the fuck is going on in this show. More stuff happens, but I really have no idea how the hell to bother caring. Then the showís over and the gay black and white bumpers come on. They say some gay shit like ďWE TOLD YOU THIS SHOW WOULD BE GREAT LOLOL!!! NOW WATCH INUYASHA LOLOOLOL!!! ITíS NOT LIKE YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO LOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLO!!!!Ē What a fucking crock of shit.
AFTERTHOUGHTS: Boring as hell. I have absolutely no intentions of ever watching this again.

Inuyasha- Iíd only watched Inuyasha once before, and I really had no idea what I was watching until halfway through the episode when they said ďInuyasha will be right backĒ because itís exactly like every anime Iíve ever seen, nothing separates it from the billions of other shit animes out there. This is actually my first time watching Inuyasha since the only time I watched Inuyasha. The show starts and these two ninja chicks are fighting, but for some reason the show starts in the middle of the show. I think this show is about slaying demons or something. Now after watching for about two minutes, I realize that it would take about two seconds extra of editing to turn this show from ďadultĒ to something that could be on Toonami. Not that I care at all, if a show sucks, what does it matter whether itís ďadultĒ or not? If it was up to me, the only anime on TV would be Pokťmon, because Pokemon is the greatest anime ever made in the entire history of the universe, including Cowboy Bebop. In fact, my hatred of Adult Swim anime has rubbed off on Cowboy Bebop and now I hate that show too. Seriously, I doubt I could sit through an episode of Cowboy Bebop even if I wanted to. Back to Inuyasha, itís boring as crap. Iím about five minutes in and nothing at all has happened. And if something did happen, I wouldnít know because this show makes no goddamn sense and I never have any idea whatís going on. All right, now itís about seven minutes in and some people are fighting. Ah, so this is a ninja fighting show like that piece of shit Yu Yu Hakusho that I watched for about five episodes too long. Fights, fights, and more fights occur and I begin to realize that the plot is supposed to be that some ninja is trying to kill Inuyasha. And then guess what I see. A VULPIX THAT EVOLVES INTO A NINETAILS. I SWEAR I JUST SAW A VULPIX, THEN IT TURNED INTO A NINETAILS, I AM NOT JOKING AT ALL. No one will ever believe me. This show is boring. All the characters on this show and on Kikaider have weird Japanese names that I donít feel like learning. Why canít they just have names like Ash? Something simple.
AFTERTHOUGHTS: I really donít care about the characters or whatís happening on the show. Itís just like Dragon Ball Z or Yu Yu Hakusho, everyone gets in fights all the time and every few episodes, something happens, and itís not even interesting. Seriously, almost nothing separates this show from any other anime out there. Itís probably actually a genius parody of anime.

Reign: The Conqueror- I actually tried to watch this show once before on the first day it aired, I ended up paying attention for about a minute and then just not even watching the rest. But because the minute that I paid attention to sucked copious amounts of ass, I really wasnít looking forward to watching this show again. Fortunately, the gay black and white bumper before the show explained what it was about, itís supposed to be a 21st century sci-fi version of the story of Alexander the Great. Now I donít have to spend most of the show trying to figure out what the hell itís supposed to be about. I can instead focus on how goddamn gay this show is. Iím not being homophobic, this show is fruity as can be. You really have to see it to really understand just how fruity it is. I never know if a character is a male or female until they talk. Iím a bit surprised at how bloody and violent the show is, but also a bit let down because when the violence stops, this show is one of the boringest things Iíve ever laid eyes upon. John1234 of the awesomeness that is the ASMB called this show ďHomo Thong WarriorsĒ, and the name couldnít be more dead-on. I canít look at any single character without wincing. Even if this show wasnít too boring to watch, Iím sure the flat-out gayness would detract me from watching it. I know this sounds homophobic, but I donít think the leader of GLAAD would watch this show without at least thinking ďThatís kinda gayĒ. Like all the other shows on Adult Swim Action, this show is so boring that I never know whatís supposed to be happening. Why would everyone be wearing completely exposed thongs in the 21st century? This might just be the worst of all the animes Iíve seen on Adult Swim, and that says a goddamn lot. Jesus Christ, this show sucks.
AFTERTHOUGHTS: I really have no idea what to say about what the fuck I just watched.

Lupin the 3rd- I actually used to watch Lupin the 3rd when it first started. Then after Adult Swim became a majority anime I realized that Lupin sucked and that I didnít really like it at all and the only reason I watched it is because Fujiko gave me a boner, so I stopped watching it. This show is actually pretty decent, but itís nothing I really care about. In this episode, Lupin and the rest of the guys go to jail, Inspector Gadget goes to get them, but they escape from jail with the help of the chick, and Inspector Gadget is angry. He tries to get them, but they escape anyway. What the hell is Lupinís problem anyway? Why does he keep stealing everything? What a prick.
AFTERTHOUGHTS: This show is just ok, decent for an anime. Nothing Iíd go out of my way to watch, it gets boring as hell after one episode. Fujiko = teh secks though.

Even if this article ends up being the funniest thing Iíve ever done it wouldnít be worth it. This is the shit that Cartoon Network is making over half of the Adult Swim programming? Why donít they just play static? There is no goddamn way Iíll ever watch Adult Swim Action again, this ranks as possibly being the worst two hours of television Iíve ever seen, including the time I watched The Borrowers. I canít believe how awesome Cartoon Network used to be. Yes, there was a time that Cartoon Network used to be the best channel ever. Way back in the days of 1994-1995, before Cartoon Network had the money to acquire shitty shows or make their own shitty shows. All they ever played was Looney Tunes, old Hanna-Barbera cartoons, and Space Ghost Coast to Coast, for a half hour, completely uncut. It was fucking perfection. There actually was a time when Cartoon Network didnít have a show I didnít like. Now theyíre playing shit like this? And itís making up over half of their Adult Swim programming to boot. Well at least I learned something from this Adult Swim Action block. I learned that I am right about every goddamn thing I say, even if Iím making it up. I said the anime sucked before I ever even watched it, and I was proven more than right. Conversely, Iíve learned that people who doubt me are wrong and stupid. And since everyone disagrees with everything I say, everyone else is stupid. Wait a minute, I didnít learn that, I knew that all along!

And about those black and white bumpers, they are gay. I liked them at first but then I realized that I hated them and they sucked. The only thing theyíre good for is giving Space Ghost DVD news. The rest of them are just Williams Street being douchebags going ďLOL, LOOK WE ARE WRITING SECRAT MESSAGES TO OUR FANS THROUGH THE TV LOLOLOL WE ARE SO COOL TO BE IN WILLIAMS STREET LOL!!!!Ē Hey Williams Street, I have a brilliant idea. Instead of trying to be cool with your fans by writing secret jokes during Adult Swim, how about actually programming Adult Swim the way the fans would want it?!?!? WHAT A GREAT IDEA I JUST HAD, IíM NOT SURPRISED WILLIAMS STREET DIDNíT THINK OF IT BECAUSE IT IS SO INGENIOUS AND COMPLICATED, I HAD TO GO TO HARVARD AND GRADUATE TO THINK OF SUCH A SMART IDEA, LOLOL I AM JUST LIKE REESE WITHERSPOON IN LEGALLY BLONDE LOL MAYBE IíLL GO TO CONGRESS ONE DAY LOLOLOLOLLOOL!!!!!!!!!! When it comes down to it, Iíd rather have a good block of television that doesnít suck than have some black and white text on my TV that may or may not refer to something that someone I know said once. And in conclusion, Adult Swim Action is the worst thing in the history of the world. And Iím not saying that because itís anime, this is just two hours of horrible TV, anime or not. Not only does Adult Swim Action suck, it sucks more than you think it does. If you want to make fun of ASA but have never seen it, donít worry, make fun of it all you want. And if anyone calls you stupid for making fun of something youíve never seen, direct them to this page. Yes folks, I selflessly watch ASA so you donít have to. I really canít even adequately explain how bad that shit was. I might need therapy.

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